HEADLINES: Alpha and Omega Slated to Smite NY and the World May 21. Three percent of the world population slotted to be saved. Babylon will fall. Antichrist rises. Zombies to make catacomb tours a lot more interactive.
Well, I am not sure why god would destroy the world this Saturday. What was the point of creating entropy, novas, and periodic super volcanoes if doomsday is a deific act? It seems like a lot of wasted intelligent design. Then again, when it only takes six days to make the world, what is one less planet?
One thing is sure: the wing nuts are coming in droves. That sign was not in Revelations, but it was all around the Roman Empire back at the start of apocryphal prophesizing. Jesus rose three days after his death. Then he said he would be back without so much as a phone number or a postcard. Nevertheless, hope prevails for those bent on his savage return when he and his horsemen buddies come rolling back.
“In righteousness he doth judge and make war… clothed in a vesture dipped in blood: and his name is called The Word of God.” However, the white horseman is not the only one spouting the Word. Sandwich boards are selling out around our sovereign nation. Stock up on canned food and bottled water. The first sign of impending apocalypse: the subways are a vortex of cast-aside neon pamphlets. But environmentalists take pause, the end of the world is not coming via global warming. God has us on the fast track. Mormons, you may want to pack that spaceship for that special planet with your name on it because this little rock is slated for masse destruction. We have it on good authority. The people in the matching “Rapture: May 21, 2011” concert tee shirts say so.
To the believers, every major disaster is a sign of the coming rapture. Bloggers are busy co-opting the super moon and Japan’s tsunami. It is like snuff-porn for the faithful as they roll in the projected Rapture the way dogs roll in rot. At least in the past prophesied doomsdays we had flagellates roaming Europe trying to pay for salvation in painful penitence. Now all I get is a flyer?
According to earlier Christian thought that banned body burning and built tombs, the bodies of the dead had to be preserved for their resurrection. You know what that means? Yes: PREPARE FOR ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! Sure, these zombies will not likely eat brains. Bread and wine, body and blood of Christ, but not brains unless you are the messiah. And this bread line is for the slow and tedious judicial processing of every soul since the switch to A.D..
It may be best to sit back and wait in one of the state of the art Doomsday Bunkers being sold to believers who apparently are not quite willing to put their bodies and their faith in Angry Jesus.
For a measly $25,000 per person you can literally insulate your family from the angry hordes. These shelters not only protect you from the messy wakes of the four Horsemen, but from poor people! According to Terra Vivos, “[A]narchy will bring confusion, chaos and disorder that few have ever seen…It will be a case of the ‘haves’ versus the ‘have not’s’. If you have something of value, others will seek it out and take it… Usually, the only way that you could avoid this…is if you were to relocate…somewhere deep in the woods where it would be so hard to access, that nobody presumably would waste their time and resources trying to find you. But, rest assured they will, despite how much camouflage or stealthy measures you take, the ‘have not’s’ will eventually find you and take what is yours.”[i]
Given the gravity of the apocalypse, I won’t quibble about the erroneous comma use and fear tactics of the above passage—well, because it is not a fear tactic if it is TRUTH. Consider the Rapture a sort of cleansing—like a bloodier version of the great flood. Think you can take the dirty rabble? Well, be careful, Misers. When you are bankrupt of goods, you become bankrupt of moral values. “When you do [lose your means to the have-nots], you are now the ‘have not’, and in time, will either turn to the same methods of scavenging for survival, or eventually perish.” Personally, I have been practicing for the upcoming End Times courtesy of X-Box instead of the ominous black book. My zombie skills are spot on–and I already know that there will be looting, chaos, and super mutants.
Now should the rapture be postponed (maybe Jesus does not feel like marauding on Saturday), not to worry. There is still plenty to worry about. The machines of segregation can go on! Because with enough fear, we can engineer a new eugenically hygienic future with the aid of: Nuclear War, Bio War, Terrorism, Electromagnetic Pulse, Pole Shift, Solar Flares, Killer Comet, Global Tsunami, Planet X, Super Volcano, or talking-ape takeover. (Alright, I added the last one.) While everyone is dying outside, you will be safe inside your vault, blissfully blinded from harm or inconvenience. Though trillions die ghastly deaths, you can pass the time of reckoning playing billiards, enjoying the stocked wine cellars, or pulling your pooch from one of the on-site kennels.[ii] There is even a prayer center where you can pray for “those people” to die as swiftly as possible so you can emerge into your new Eden. Be sure to step carefully over their bones! You would not want to sprain an ankle during the dawn of the lord’s plan.
Who knows how long the Rapture will take. Only the elect are going, certainly, but who wants to wait around for forgiveness or damnation sans luxury? And for the wealthy who are a little worried they may be on the bad list, according to Christian radio host Harold Camping, after the ascension of those few million saved we still have five months to pass in mass hysteria while the world winds to an end.
One thing for sure: avoid Kool Aide, purple sneakers, and zombies on Saturday—to bank on the safe side of the River Styx. Be certain to plan your travels. Babylon is slated to fall according to Revelations, which can only mean it will first rise again. That trip to the Hanging Gardens, it could be yours if you can brave the marauders. Or you could be part of the more mundane hanging gardens that will pop up near a lynch mob near you! All this and more to come on Saturday.
[i] From the Terra Vivos website: www.terravivos.com. Under the scenario: “Anarchy”
[ii] Northwest Shelter Systems, Terra Vivos, and NYDailyNews.com (http://bestplaces.nydailynews.com/voyeur/sale-luxury-doomsday-bunkers-soar-high-1000-percent)
Pneumatic Devotion 